Judgement

I know that I have not blogged in a very long time, and I am not saying that I am going to start back up like I was before.  I have felt very conflicted about it for a couple of reasons and still have not decided what to do.  One of the main reasons for my reluctance to blog is that I am an intensely private person.  I think that one of my reasons for being so private is because I don't like to feel judged.  And when I say judged I don't just mean in the negative.  I have always had trouble taking compliments.  I think that I would rather just blend into the woodwork than be noticed for anything, good or bad.   For example, growing up a redhead, I always heard people laugh about redheads and their freckles or make comments about the "redheaded stepchild" or redheads and their feistiness.  Then on the other hand their are those who couldn't stop talking about how much they love red hair, how unique and beautiful it is and how much they wished they had it or had a child with it.  Then there are all the other contradictions in life about  being too smart or too dumb,  too fat or too skinny,  too rich or too poor, too tall or too short and the list goes on and on.

This may seem like a totally random post but something happened today that got me thinking about it.

Here is the background--I was born with severe club feet, although recently when I was visiting with my orthopedic surgeon he said that they were "beyond club feet".  Anyway, my feet aren't  something that I really like to talk about because again I do not like feeling judged,  whether people think that I am some sort of freak or having people feeling sorry for me.  I would just like for it to be a non-issue for everyone that sees me or knows me.  The problem with that is I have a handicap tag in my car, which I feel might as well be a big blue flag flapping in the wind everywhere I go that gives people permission to pass judgement on me.  Because of that tag I have been verbally assaulted by both handicapped and non-handicapped individuals,  someone even went as far as keying my car while I was parked in a handicapped  space. Maybe I should feel good that people think that I am totally normal or that they can't tell that I am in varying degrees of constant pain but instead I just feel judged (whether good or bad).  I feel like I need to keep all my x-rays handy or rip off my shoes anytime anyone makes a rude comment,  or do I need to explain to them that depending on how many steps I have already taken that day or how many more I will need to take for the day determines whether I will be using my tag.  Do I need to explain that I limp more or less depending on the weather or the shoes that I am wearing.  Do I need to tell them that I have had nearly 30 surgeries and that my doctors have  mentioned amputation as a possible option.  Now, I am NOT putting all of this out their so anyone will feel sorry for me (that is the last thing I want).  Or so you wont say something to someone when you see them pull up in a handicap spot with their ski rack and bike rack attached to their car and then they proceed to jog into the store.  I am putting this out there so people (including myself, because I am also guilty) will think twice before judging others.

Now for the rest of the story-- Today my kids were home sick which they have been all week so I had to take them on all my errands.  We started out bright and early for an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon.  Then on to another meeting, then a quick stop at Michael's.  When we came out of the store and went to the car there was a woman at her car next to mine.  She started yelling and quickly I realized she was yelling at me.  So I said "excuse me?" and she said very angrily "You are parked in a handicapped space and YOU ARE NOT HANDICAPPED!!"  I tried to remain calm (not one of my long suites) for my kids so I just said " I am handicapped and I have a tag right here."  Then she yelled again that I was "not handicapped".  So as I was getting into my car I said calmly "Ma m, don't make me put one of me feet in your face."  (which I hope she did not take as a threat of physical violence)  As I slowly drove past her, Liam said "Mom, I think she just said something rude to you in sign language."  Then McKinna asked "what did she say?" and Liam said, "I don't know but she had her middle finger up." ha ha ha  Kids can make even bad situations funny!!!!

The kids were feeling badly that the woman was so mean to me.  So we had a discussion on the way home about why we shouldn't judge other people because most often we don't know the whole story.  And as the words were coming out of my mouth I realized what a hypocrite I was because I was thinking that that woman was a real bitch!